************
"Do you need me to get you anything Hayley?" Amanda called to her from the kitchen.
It seemed that ever since she had come home from the hospital after the surgery and the couple of days of tests, everyone had been all around her wanting to help her out. She thought back to when Shane had picked her up after she was discharged, and how she should have told him then that Jeff was the one who was with her through it all. She couldn't bring herself to do it though because she knew that Shane had wanted to be the one that was there with her.
"No, I'm fine, you can stop asking and find something else to do you know!" Hayley yelled back through the living room.
She couldn't believe how insane she was going just being in this house and not being able to fly out and attend her meetings. She wasn't used to being forced to sit around all day and do nothing and she didn't want what was now happening with the writers on her show, to change because she wasn't there to build on it. She had already called Jim three times that day asking to be flown out there to attend, all the while getting the wrong answers. It looked like she was going to have to watch Raw at home tonight and pray that Shane didn't get hurt.
"I don't have anywhere that I want to be right now Hayley, besides, I'm making Mike come to me this time."
"Oh I don't want to know. Do you have to bring him over here when I can't move off the damn couch on my own?"
"Why are you worried about what he's going to think?"
"No I really don't care what Mike thinks about me."
"Okay Hayley, what gives here? Your more bitter then usual with me. It's to the point now where I don't think I like your tone of voice."
Hayley tried to stand up off the couch so she could go back upstairs to her room, but as soon as she stood the pain knocked her back down to the couch and she doubled over in pain.
"Hayley shit girl!!! Why would you even try to do that?"
Amanda raced over to the couch and placed Hayley's arm around her neck lifting her off the couch so she wouldn't feel any pain. She wanted to make sure this went as easily as possible for her friend. This was a really hard time for her right now and she didn't need to hurt herself more.
"Amanda, I hate being this much in pain, and I just feel so helpless and I can't do this anymore. Nothing is ever going to be the same."
"What do you mean Hun? Don't you think that the doctor got everything and you're healthy now?"
'I'll never be the same Amanda, and you know it too. I can never be normal and do the normal things a woman my age can do."
"Where is this coming from? Please tell me what you mean!"
"I can never have children, so I'm like half a woman. How the hell can I be anything to Shane when I cant give him the family he deserves!" Hayley yelled and pulled away from Amanda, forcing her way slowly up the stairs and clenching her teeth through the pain.
"You are not half a woman Hayley, now please let me help you!"
"No, I've got it alright, just leave me alone."
Making her way slowly up the stairs on her own, Hayley sighed when she hit her bedroom door. She knew that what Amanda was saying was right, but she just couldn't believe it. This was a really cruel twist of fate that was handed to her, and she had to make the best of it on her own. She had to be strong, and do this alone.
***************
"Amanda, where is she? We wanted to see how she was doing since she's been home." Summer asked as she stepped into the house. It was funny that Hayley always came to their house and this was the first time they had actually come to see her. Hayley really did have a wonderful house, and it was situated on land just as pretty as her and Jeff's.
"She forced her way upstairs on her own a few hours ago and she hasn't come back down. I don't know how up to seeing people she's going to be right now."
"She'll want to see us, believe me."
"I have no doubt that you guys are her friends, but you aren't listening to what I just said. She had a fit here in this living room and she's hell bent and determined to do this on her own. She has another appointment with the doctor Wednesday to see if they got rid of all the cancer, and she's going to do that on her own too. She doesn't want to see anyone or deal with anyone right now. I think she thinks we are taking over her illness for her."
Amanda sat down on the couch and Jeff and Summer took the chairs around her. She ran her fingers through her hair and looked at them.
"Did you know she went to the hospital for the surgery alone too?" Amanda asked.
"She did what?" Jeff managed to choke out. It was apparent that Hayley didn't want anyone knowing that Jeff had been there for her when the others couldn't, and that thought alone scared him. He wanted to be there for her, and he knew Summer and Shane did too, but she really was determined to keep everyone out of it. He didn't feel like telling everyone that he was there, so he just listening to Summer talk.
"She went to the hospital to speak with her doctor and then she went downstairs and had the surgery, and the first that we hear of it, is when she calls us afterwards to tell us she's alright and that she is going to need a ride. Something is going on with her, and I cannot figure it out."
"All the more reason for us to talk to her. Has she spoken to Shane?"
"Yeah he drove her home but other then that he's getting the same treatment as I have for the past week or so. She's is pushing us away and I know that if you guys go up there, she's going to do the same thing to you."
Jeff just sat back and though about everything for a minute. He knew why Hayley didn't want anyone knowing she was sick, and he even was helping her out with that, but he couldn't figure out why now, that everyone knew she was sick and that she had surgery to make the cancer go away, she was pulling away from them. He knew he had to do something though, and he'd better do it fast.
"Amanda, Summer, can you give me a few minutes alone with her? She's been opening up to me lately when I'm over on Raw, and I think she might just need a different voice right now. One that isn't a female."
"Then why wont she talk to Shane?"
"He's too close to the situation, just give me five minutes and I'll see what I can do. Will you let me go up there Amanda?"
"Yeah, go ahead."
**************
Jeff made his way to her door and knocked lightly. He waited a few minutes and then he heard the music playing in the background. He knew the music well because it was in Summer's studio all the time. What he couldn't figure out was why she wasn't coming to the door. Knocking again without a response he walked in and saw her sitting at her desk looking out the window at the night sky.
"We need to stop meeting when you're lost in thought."
Turning off the music Hayley turned around to face him. What he saw when she did was the tears that had already fallen and were still falling from her eyes. It made his heart just break looking at her this hurt, knowing there wasn't much he could do for her.
"Hayley, why the tears?"
"Jeff, everything has changed." Sobbing gently, Jeff pulled her to him and held on tight. She really was beating herself up over this surgery even though it could possibly mean that she was cancer free now.
"Explain to me how everything has changed princess, I'm listening."
"I'm useless to any guy now, and my job, god my job is the best thing in the world but because of Shane, I cannot go back there."
"What do you mean you cant go back?"
"I'm useless Jeff."
"How are you useless?"
"I can never have a family. I can never be the perfect wife and mother for any guy, Especially Shane."
"Don't talk like that princess, Shane will understand this, and its not your fault, he loves you."
"Will he still love me when he realizes that every dream I've ever had regarding a family, and every dream he's had about being a dad go down to hell?"
"YES! He loves you with everything in him, he told you so, so I can't see why you doubt this. I want you to listen to me for the first time since I've known you all right? He loves you for the person you are, not for the amount of kids you guys can have when you do get married. He's not like that!"
"I'm sorry..."
"Don't be sorry, just answer me something."
"What Jeff?"
"Why haven't you told anyone, including Summer that I was in the hospital with you the night of your surgery?"
"What are you talking about? I didn't see you telling her either!"
"It's not for me to tell Hayley don't you get that?"
"Don't yell at me Jeff." Hayley said slowly getting up out of the chair and moving towards the bed.
"I don't mean to yell, but you need to tell me what's going on here. What is the real reason you aren't telling Shane, Amanda or Summer about me being with you?"
"Jeff, I'm confused that's all..."
"It's more then that, I can feel it...just be honest with me Hayley."
Hayley stopped herself before she got to the bed and spun around. What she didn't realize was that Jeff had come up behind her and when she flipped around to face him, she ran into him face to face. Looking into his eyes and seeing the concern lying there, and the need to make her feel better, she closed her eyes and bent in to kiss him. The minute Hayley's lips touched his, he knew it was wrong, but Jeff kissed her back gently, wanting to take all of her tears away with every second.
*************
********
"You really want me to come to the doctor with you Hayley?" Shane asked cradling the phone under his chin. He'd been visiting Summer and Jeff when she'd called over there asking for him.
"Yeah, do you think you can make it? I would do it alone, but it seems better having someone with me this time."
"Okay, I will be right over to take you there. Just sit tight alright?"
Shane said his goodbyes and hung up the phone. The truth was, as close as they had gotten over the last month, him loving her more then anything else, and her illness and wanting to do things alone, he thought she was pulling away from him. He didn't want to believe it, but they hadn't done a whole lot together lately. They got together and she was silent a lot of the time, and he wanted to fix it. So taking the chance to be with her, when she dealt with something serious, he had to take it.
Jeff looked up from the table. "She wants you to go with her?"
"Yeah, that's the plan for today. She has to go find out if everything Is alright now, and I'm glad she asked me."
"Well she shouldn't be alone anymore right? This is better this way." Jeff managed to choke out. He still couldn't get what happened out of his head, and it was messing with him. He kept focusing on what had happened in her room the day they were alone.
~~~~~
"Wow, okay Hayley this is something that can't happen." Jeff said taking a couple of steps back and sitting down in her vacant chair.
"I know it can't, and I'm sorry, it just happened."
"You don't want to tell anyone that I was the one helping you at the hospital that night because you have feelings for me?"
"No, I just.. God I made a huge mess of things haven't I?"
"No, I just don't get it. I know we've gotten closer, and I'll be the first to admit it's a good thing for me too, but I had no idea you wanted to do that."
"Neither did I. It just felt right. I can't really explain it."
"Do you love your boyfriend Hayley? I mean really love him?"
"Yes! Don't you get it, I didn't ask for all of this to happen? I didn't ask for you to be sweet, and take care of me. I want Shane to do all of that!" she said bringing herself down to the bed and sighing loudly.
"Then why don't you let him?"
"Because I can't let him get that close. Jeff, what happens if I'm still sick, like really sick and I might die? I can't have Shane there with me because I know it would kill him, and I can't do that to him, he's got such a big heart."
"But you can do it to me?"
"No..."
"Explain this Hayley because I don't get it. You could have easily had Shane here and kissed him and things would have been fine, so why was it me?"
"If something happens to me, it wouldn't be the same with you Jeff; it would be easier because you're with someone. I hate feeling this way, I do."
"Feeling what way?"
"When I'm with you, and I'm hurting, you understand it and it doesn't make me sick in a way that it does with Shane. Knowing what I can't give Shane kills me inside, and I guess kissing you was just a way for me to feel again, something other then pain."
"What did you feel?"
"I felt normal again, for just one brief second in time."
"I made you feel normal? Even though I'm the guy that has a wife downstairs with your best friend, and probably wondering why I would want to come up here alone and talk to you."
"Okay you know what Jeff, just forget this happened and go back to your life, I know I will. This was just some fucked up thing I did, and it's over, I'm sick to death about it, so it can be dropped."
"You want me to just forget what happened here?"
"Yeah I do. Can you do that for me?"
"You do realize that now I'm confused as hell right? I kissed you back Hayley, which makes me wonder why.this doesn't affect you anymore, it affects me too."
"Just forget about it. You're happy with Summer, in love, and she's my friend. I will not think about hurting her, and you're right, I do love Shane with everything in me, and he should have been the one that was here."
~~~~~
"What are you thinking about in there Jeff?" Shane asked checking his buddy out. He seemed to have left the planet, and judging by the look on his face, of pure pain, it wasn't a good ride.
"Oh just some stuff I'm working on. Just some music stuff."
"Okay dude, well I'm going to pick her up and then come back so we can go riding alright?"
"Yeah man, take care of her, she's special you know?"
"I do, and I'm sure the doctor is going to tell her everything is alright. Then we can finally get back to resuming our lives."
*************
"Is that your boyfriend out there in the waiting room Hayley?"
"Yeah, that's Shane. He was worried about what might happen today, like I was, so he wanted to take me here."
"Well you need all the support you can get with this. Cancer is something that hits home, and hits hard. That wasn't the same guy from the surgery though was it?"
"No it wasn't. The other guy was my..it was Jeff; he's my best friend's husband. He was the only one home that day when I needed someone, so he filled in."
"Okay, well it's good you've got a lot of support."
"So what's the verdict? Can I go back to work anytime soon?"
"Hayley, the cancer has spread, and its spreading a lot quicker then we expected it too. We can try to treat it with chemo, but I don't know how much good that will do for you at this stage. We thought we got it all with the surgery, but the additional tests we took a couple of days later, well there is more abnormalities and it just seems to be getting worse."
"um.what?"
"Hayley, you might want to bring Shane in here for this, he should know what I'm telling you too."
"No, I want to hear this and deal with this myself right now... are you telling me there is no way to treat this now?"
"There are ways, but it only results in more surgery and with the way this is spreading, I don't think we would catch all of it at one time. Hayley I'm sorry, I know this isn't something you had planned on happening, but with what happened with your mother, it seems to be a mirror image. I can advise the surgery, but if we don't get everything, there is still a chance that you'll get sicker as time goes on."
"So I'm going to die is that what you're saying?"
"I'm not saying that. We can give you medication and other treatments, but I don't know if they would do their job given the degree of this illness."
"But I could die correct?"
"That's always a possibility yes. But I don't want you to start living your life like you are going to die the next day. There is a chance you could go into remission and things could be fine."
"What do I have to do Dr. Abrams?"
"I was going to book you into the hospital so we could do more tests, but under the circumstances, I'm going to advise you to go on home care for awhile. You can fly out to your job once a week, but that's all I will allow. Other then that, I need you at your house and I need to be able to monitor you, and the symptoms."
"I have to go on home care?"
"That's what I want for you yes, I think its better then being in here twenty four seven."
"I can't believe what I'm hearing here. I thought you guys found all the cancer and got rid of it. I've been feeling fine the last week or so."
"No bleeding?"
Hayley stared at the ceiling. She knew this was the time to be honest with the doctor about the bleeding after sex, and the pain that she'd been hiding from everyone again. It obviously wasn't going to get any better, and she couldn't lie to the doctor anymore.
"Yes, and pain too. I'm just good at dealing with it. I thought it was just normal now after surgery."
"It's not normal, and it means the cancer is progressing deeper, which means I had better start you on some medication right now, to prevent this from getting worse for the moment. I think you need to bring Shane in here and tell him what I've said."
"I'll do it on the way home doctor; I don't want to scare him here, that wouldn't be right."
"Well you had better do it soon, because you need all the support you can get for this. It isn't going to be easy, and you're going to have to come here every week for a checkup, and this time Hayley, don't lie to me. I need to be able to help you."
"I won't, and I'm sorry. I thought I could handle this myself."
**************
************
"So, what did the doctor say Hayley?" Shane asked as they made their way across the parking lot to his car. She had been pretty silent since coming out of the office and he wanted to make sure she was alright.
"Can you just take me home Shane?"
"You know I can, what's the matter baby?" he opened the door letting her in, and walked around and jumped in the car and started it up. He looked over at her and saw the tears falling down her cheeks fast. He knew that something wasn't right, and they weren't going to drive anywhere until he found out what happened.
"Shane...I can't see you anymore."
"What?"
"I think I need to be alone, this isn't working out the way I'd planned on it. We're just not right for each other."
"Okay, now I know that something is wrong here, but what did I do?"
"You didn't do anything, I've been thinking about it recently, and it just seems like we aren't going anywhere, things aren't good with us anymore. We had a nice run, and I loved it, but it's not something I want or need right now."
"Hayley, where is this coming from? I know we've had a few issues lately, we don't talk like we used too, but you don't want to be with me anymore? I thought you loved me?"
"I do love you Shane, which is why I can't do this anymore. Can you please just take me home?"
"Fine, lets get you home, but we need to talk more about this, because I can't accept that things just changed so easily for you."
"Just take me home, I need to be alone."
Shane drove her home in silence as he mulled over what she had said. She loved him, he hadn't done anything wrong, but she wanted to be alone. There had to be more that she wasn't telling him and he couldn't just let it rest like this. He loved this girl, and he couldn't let her go. She got out of the car without saying goodbye and made her way up the drive. He watched her go, and felt the tear slip down his cheek. He had to figure out what had happened, and he knew he wouldn't rest until he did.
**********
"She did what Shane?" Summer exclaimed jumping up off the couch. This had to be the most insane thing she had ever heard.
"She broke it off with me, and she didn't even say goodbye when I dropped her off. It was like it meant nothing to her. The time we spent together and the fun times."
"What did the doctor say to her?"
"She wouldn't tell me Summer, that's what's so fucked up about this. She won't tell me anything. She won't even talk to me anymore."
"Do you want me to go over and talk to her about this?"
"No, just leave it alone for now. I mean she wants to be alone, and I'm not going to push her right now."
"You can't just give up on her Shane!"
"I'm not giving up on her damnit!" Shane yelled back. Realizing he shouldn't have done it, he put his head in his hands. "I don't want to fight about this with you Summer, because I don't understand it myself. I love her with everything in me, and she's shutting me out."
"She talks to Jeff you know, maybe he can talk to her."
"She what? I didn't think her and Jeff were all that close. I never see them together."
"He doesn't know that I know, but I've seen them talking before, and she opens up to him from the looks of it. I think what she needs is someone that's not close to the problem here. I mean she has cancer, and she's been alone for so long, that when she has people that love her like you and Amanda do, she shuts down. When Jeff comes around, he's someone who isn't as close to the problem, and she feels she can tell him stuff."
"Why didn't he ever tell us then?"
"He's afraid I would think, I mean he doesn't want us getting the wrong idea."
"Why would we get the wrong idea?"
"Because we love the two of them more then ourselves, and If we saw them together, we would get jealous."
"Did you get jealous?"
"Honestly? I did a little bit, I mean he's my husband, and she's MY best friend, I would think she would talk to me, and he would share it with me."
"Can you get Jeff, Summer?"
"Yeah, he's in the studio making some music for the songs he wrote, give me a second alright? Just don't give up on her alright?"
************
"Do you want to tell me why you've been banging things around since you got home or am I going to have to beat it out of you?" Amanda asked, pulling Hayley away from the kitchen sink and the dishes she was close to breaking.
"It's nothing alright. Just go do whatever it is you do when I'm not here."
"With you making this much noise I couldn't even think if I tried, so sit down now and explain to me why your acting like this. I do care about you, you know."
"Amanda, I broke up with Shane alright?"
"You did what?"
"I broke up with him."
"Why would you do that?"
"The cancer.god I can't even think about this without being sick to my stomach."
"What about the cancer Hayley?"
"They couldn't get it all with the surgery, and its spreading fast according to Dr. Abrams."
"Oh my god, so what does that mean exactly?"
"It means I could die basically. I know the doctors don't want to think about that at this stage, they just want to help nip it in the ass, but it's a possibility, and with that in mind, I couldn't stay with Shane anymore. It wouldn't be fair to him; he doesn't need to watch me die."
"Isn't that something he needs to decide on his own?"
"No, because this is my life, and I'm saying that I don't want him to be there if something does happen. I couldn't do that to him, and make his life harder."
"Have you told him this?"
"No, because it didn't seem right, so when I got out of the doctors office, I told him I wanted him to take me home, and that it was over."
"Hayley, this is not the way to do this, it's only going to hurt you and him more now."
"There's more Amanda, so sit down and let me tell you everything."
"How much worse can this get Hayley? I mean your sitting here telling me that my best friend and someone I think of like a sister is going to die, and there's nothing I can do about it. How much fucking worse can it get?" Amanda yelled.
"I kissed Jeff."
"Oh so it can get worse."
"Remember when I had the surgery and I told you I tried to get a hold of you to come for me, to support me?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"I called Summer too, and she wasn't home, so I called Jeff's cell phone, and he was there. He was with me the entire time, and he left once I called you and Shane, so that we wouldn't cause any problems with him being with me."
"So Jeff was with you that day? How does that get you to kissing him?"
"The day Summer and Jeff came over; he came up to my room to talk to me right? Well we got into a fight over me talking to Shane about my inability to have children, and well I kissed him. It didn't mean anything to either one of us, I don't think, but it happened none the less."
"Hayley, you need to talk to Shane."
"And tell him what?"
"Tell him everything damnit! I'm sitting here listening to you go on about how you don't want to hurt him, but with every step you make in your quest not to hurt him, you are causing him more pain the ever imagined. You kissed his best friend, and you broke up with him because you think you might die. I mean Jesus Hay, you need to think about your actions here. You're sick but you're not that stupid." Amanda yelled throwing her cup into the sink and listening to it crash.
"Why do you think I broke it off? I'm doing what's best for everyone."
"Hayley, listen to me, and then I'm leaving because this is way too much for me to take in right now. Shane loves you with everything he has. He's been calling here non stop for you since the day he got together with you. You found out you had cancer, for sure, and he was right there for you, that's all he wants to do. Hell, that's all any of us want to do for you, be there for you so you don't have to do it alone. You won't let us in, but you seem to want to let Jeff in, and make things worse. I'm saying this as your friend, I love you Hayley, but you need to fix this, all of it, before you lose something that could possibly make you happy."
************
"Shane, what's up buddy?" Jeff asked as he walked into the house, throwing his boots off by the door. Summer had taken over with the music in the studio so they could get the songs finished and she figured Shane would want to see him alone.
"I need to know how close you and my girlfriend are Jeff."
"What do you mean man?"
"How close are you with Hayley?"
"She's a friend, that's about it." He said, taking a deep breath. From the way Shane sounded he was afraid that Hayley had finally given in and told him about the kiss.
"Jeff I'm sitting here trying to figure out why she would break up with me. Then Summer tells me that you guys are close, and that we don't know about it because you don't want to hurt us. How much of this is true buddy?"
"Wait a minute Shane, she did what?"
"She broke up with me in the shittiest way possible."
"When?"
"About an hour ago, and I'm left wondering why."
"Shane, you want me to be honest with you here?"
"Always, I just need to know what she told you, why she's close to you and not me. She's pulling away and it's killing me man."
"I was with her for the surgery.." Jeff choked out interrupting Shane.
"You were what?"
"She called everyone, and you were out of town, and she was alone and scared I would assume, so she called my cell phone, and I was there."
"But when we got to the hospital you weren't there."
"She asked me to leave, so she wouldn't worry you, or upset you. She didn't want you to get the wrong idea. Although with everything that's been happening lately with Hayley, everything is just one big misunderstanding."
"What do you mean Jeff?"
"We kissed Shane; does that make you feel better? Now you know everything that's happened, and why we are so close."
"You kissed my girlfriend?"
"We fought when I went to see her the other day, she was so upset about not being able to have children and build a life with you, and we argued and she kissed me, and I'm not going to sit here and pin it on her, because I actually kissed her back."
"How the hell could you do that Jeff? You're married!"
"Don't you think I know that Shane? Do you really think I would tell you if it was something more then what it was? The kiss was something that never should have happened, but it did, and it's over now. I don't know why she broke up with you though."
"Isn't it obvious? She's in love with you! How many girls do I have to get with that will run to you Jeff?"
"Shane this has nothing to do with her wanting me. She doesn't want me. I'm just the only person in her life that isn't right in her face with the whole cancer thing. I'm on the sidelines and she knows she can turn to me, and things will make more sense, that's all it is."
"I'm trying not to punch you here Jeff."
"You want to punch me? Then do it. I'm standing here, and no one will stop you. God knows I deserve it, but this isn't about me and you anymore, it's about Hayley."
"I can't believe this is happening to me.." Shane whispered running his hands through his hair.
"Do you want a word of advice Shane?"
"From the guy who kissed my girlfriend? This should be good."
"I don't want Hayley you asshole, I want you to be happy, but the fact of the matter is, she's messed up big time over this. She cant give you a family and that kills her inside, so she's pulling into herself and turning to me, which she shouldn't be. I told her to talk to you; she needs you to understand about her inability to have a family. She doesn't want to hurt you, so she probably found out something bad at the doctor's and she couldn't tell you, so she broke up with you."
"You don't want her?"
"No, I don't want her, I'm happily married. Yes I did kiss her, and she kissed me back and it was nice, but it's not something I want. I just wanted to be there for her. Can you understand that?"
"Yeah, I guess. Jeff I'm scared I'm going to lose her."
"Then go tell her, be there for her, no matter what she says."
**********
